There comes a time when you realise you are alone in your own mind. My mind is a dangerous place. However you always tell yourself that there is someone out there who cares about you. Until that one person makes you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to them for a moment, while you try to tell them how alone you are with tears spilling into your coffee. Yet they turn away in disgust saying to grow up. In that split second you see that nobody ever does truly care. You believe you have someone to go to for guidance and love and a prayer, then they smack you back down into the ground. Where you believe you belong.
I’m not loved by my own Mother and its not her that I’m speaking of. She was the topic of conversation that I struggle with, always fighting for approval from and get nothing in return but attitude of annoyance and regret that I was born. I have no one who will sit and listen to my pain anymore, I never have since an Angel was taken from us. I’m so alone. I get angry. I shout. I’m the bitter pill. They don’t see why, nobody listens and nobody wants to hear me. So they choose to brand me as spoilt, childish, dramatic, a pain in the arse, all I want is help. I’m not those things. I’m drowning in loathing and anguish, I see no way out. Its constantly dark and I don’t want to see, think, hear or speak anymore.
Thought I’d come back and try again..
I get really lonely. All the time. Even though I have a baby with me 24/7. I’d always heard about how motherhood is a lonely road no matter if theres even a man involved. I knew I’d have nobody to talk to just that bloody pig babbling on in the background keeping baby happy and away from a meltdown. I prepared myself for the seperation I’d feel from my partner while he worked 10/11 hours a day providing for us, giving us a comfortable and safe home to be in. I accepted my body would keep changing even after giving birth. What I wasn’t ready for was the attitudes and ugly truths of both our families.
When my heart pulled me aside and spoke for my mind,
Why did I disagree and cause a blunder?
When my heart saw through my eyes and could tell it was a bad sign,
Why did I look away and wonder?
When my heart listened closely and believed all you asked,
Why could I not tell you were masked?
When my heart sat here crying and my mind stood over sulking,
Why, oh why, simply why?
I was contemplating deleting this blog, I do have another that I left alone as I felt I should only WRITE, not talk or discuss anything. I find since I’ve entered a more grown up life I don’t have the space in my head to create anything readable. And to be honest I prefer writing Film/TV scripts rather than monologues or poems. As a person I’m not a romantic, so why should I attempt a hand at poetry. I’m not a stage actress anymore, not that I ever was but throughout College and University thats where I stood and felt like me, so writing a monologue that was part of a much bigger stage script seemed pointless. I’m clearly not an actress you see in the Soaps or Cinema, so my script writing stopped too. I believe I let my dissapointment wash over everything after University as I had no guidance in where to go next, for almost 2 years I was simply a customer service assistant and baker before I found Word Press, which let me release some of what was clogging up my mind. That first blog didn’t last very long, it got forgotten as life was first priority and I had rent to pay to family. Time passed and I met someone (now fiancé) who encouraged me to write again, inspiration didn’t hit very quickly but his support and belief I was any good shined brighter than anything had in the last 2 years.
I then became a victim of bullying through my blog, where I’d opened myself up just a little bit and felt a thimble full of trust towards the people who began to follow my ramblings. Someone who felt they were a sort of keyboard warrior sitting at their screen never to be found took it upon themselves to attack me and create an even bigger wound, constantly hacking and pealing away at more vulnerable words I’d shared to you all. I’ll admit, they won. But now I know who to go to if this does happen again and its not the ? Help button I assure you. So I implore anyone who has felt like that, or is being attacked online right now, whether its here or Facebook or any other social media.
Moving on from the misery and anxiety I have felt ever since, I’m back and I’m going to stay. I made this blog about a month or so after the cyber bullying because I still wanted to write, or attempt at anything interesting to read. I’ve lost all of my other followers on my last blog and this one is very slow gaining them. It takes a hit at the trust when you open yourself up, I’ve spoken to a few of you on here who have felt that stab of disappointment when you see someone has over 200 followers to the awesome bloggers who have +2000 followers! But don’t let it in, never feel you are not enough because right now thats who you are and what you can share.
Carry on x
When a song just hits you, the words, the rhythm, the guitar, the voice…
Beautiful song. Yes it’s soft, not as hard as I usually like to listen to but sometimes a song just catches my heart.
When you just simply can’t have the person you so desperately want.
Why do we love people,
When they continue to unravel before us?
Why do we stand by them,
When all they do is pile on the pain?
Why do we listen to them,
When all they do is talk riddles?
Why do we knock at their barriers,
When the Demon is the one who’s let in?
Why do we curse and lecture them,
When they won’t do anything to help?
Why do we look at them and smile,
When inside they could be nothing at all?
Why do we ache for them to be happy,
When really there’s no place for two at all?
Why do we wait for them believing,
When its not you they want to have?
At night I hear them scratching
My wooden floorboards are worn
They sneer and spit as I lie there
Too weak to fend for myself
In the dark they come alive
To taunt me as I close my eyes
They pierce my mattress and rise up
To leer over my frozen limbs
I lean across to wake him
His body not the one to save me
My silent scream is ignored
As the beast begins his assault
The night is when it happens
I remember the suffocation
Frailty feeding adrenaline
As his claws cut through my dress
I plead but no one hears me
I beg and no one rescues
He leaves his stain inside me
And slithers back into the shadows
Why does a voice make you feel so much?
And the words just feel like you.
Some need to be changed to suit what you are,
And some just perfectly fit.
When someone tells you
what you don’t want to hear;
just smile and carry on.
When someone puts an image that
you dont want in your head;
just smile and shake it away.
When someone gives a description
so painful your ears start to sting;
just smile and count to three.
When someone says they love you
and also someone else;
just smile, it’s not the same.
Oceans turning red with my hate,
Is there a pill to ease this?
The ground shakes as I try to stand,
Its not gravity pulling me down.
Wrapped inside my own thoughts
Imagination; he keeps me controlled,
Until those words reappear again
And I’m breathing in poison, give me air.
There she stands above me,
Around them and beside him always.
Nothing I do can awaken the dreams
And the salt drips into these wounds.
Sometimes its like the sun came out
Only to be washed away with a shower.
Proceed to be in a cloud of haze
Taken over by a storm inside me.